Double Dog Dare! -- Episode 39
Lev

Malhereuse soared magnificently over the rough waters of the North Sea. Pompously, he searched for the movement of any fish - a well deserved reward for a hero such as himself. After all, he had saved the day doing... well whatever it was he did - he still wasn't quite sure, but it involved crushing something in his talons and upsetting someone, so he was quite pleased with himself. That pretty hummingbird should reward him well, he chauvinistically smirked to himself (in as much as any falcon could smirk, that is.) A large silver and brown object caught his attention. Lazily he circled around to get a better view. His dive had to be perfect. He didn't want merely to catch the fish, oh no; he wanted to install the fear of Malhereuse into every swimming thing in the water. But as he got a better view of the floating thing, his smirk faded. It was no fish. It was something that belonged to Her; it was Her sword, there was no doubt about it. What was it doing in the North Sea? He dove down toward the waves. He caught it in his talons and soared upward again, his chest even more pompously puffed out than before. He was most definitely the hero, and he would never let Her forget it for the rest of Her life.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Viviane continued to pound on the stone wall in frustration. So intent was she in getting out all her anger, that she failed to notice the closet opened and Janet Tewksberry stood before her, wand drawn.

"It's a bumpy night, isn't it dear?" Janet hissed. Viviane spun around. She stared at the wand and then at the pale, weak hand holding it.

"What, no dementor blood?" she asked coolly.

"Not when I intend to kill you," Janet answered.

"Many far better than you have failed," Viviane said.

"I doubt they were better," responded Janet. She cast a petrifaction spell on Viviane, who wanted to swear very loudly, but could not as her larynx was frozen.

Suddenly Janet began to cough and wheeze. Blood gushed from her mouth. She looked at Viviane with an the insane stare of the damned.

"I'll... kill... you... first," she panted. But "first" was her last word, and Janet crumpled dead to the ground.

Viviane no longer felt herself constrained by the jinx. She looked down at Janet's strangely peaceful body. Then she kicked it a few times for good measure. But that was only for cathartic purposes. Breaking Janet's wand immediately afterwards was for fun.

She hurried down to the basement where she saw Sirius Black talking to Fidelis. No sign of Severus. Seized by a murderous rage, she flew down the stairs and commenced strangling that git Black. Fidelis yapped around her.

"I'll kill you, Dogboy!" she screamed, only slightly aware that the rapidly-turning-blue body in her grasp repeatedly gasped, "I'm not Black, you idiot!"

Finally he punched her in the stomach, and, winded, she let him go.

"I'm not Black," Sirius shouted, "That's Black!" He pointed to a plate of macaroni that she had not noticed before. Viviane never heard anything so ridiculous. But then she also never felt like a charred noodle dish was laughing at her. At least not while she was sober.

Sirius raised his wand and the macaroni turned into another Sirius Black. Confused, and unsure which one to strangle, she just sat down, silently wishing she had her sword to kill them both. A few minutes later one of the Blacks turned into Snape. Viviane desired a drink and still wanted to kill them both.

"Now that we're all together, we need to find a way to stop Tewksberry!" said Sirius.

"Oh, she's already dead. You'll find her in the closet where you left me," Viviane replied dryly.

"And you were going to tell us about this when?" sneered Severus.

"You never asked," said Viviane.

"Stupid me, the first thing I should have said while you were choking the life out of me was 'Did you killed Janet Tewksberry?'" said Severus.

"Now we understand each other," said Viviane, "And I didn't kill her. She died in front of me."

Severus slapped his forehead in disgust.

"How do you know she's really dead?" said Sirius. "In fact, how do we know you're really Viviane?"

"Dogboy, I've seen enough dead bodies to know when someone is dead. Not mostly dead, not faking it, but deceased, gone to meet her maker, pushing up the daisies, singing with the choir invisible. And how do you know I'm Viviane? Well, when we get through cleaning up this mess and report everything to Dumbledore, I will personally send you to join Tewksberry - without the aid of the magic. As you beg for mercy while I beat you senseless, you can be assured that I am, in fact, the real Viviane!"

"Fair enough," said Sirius.

"If Janet's really dead, then her wards are down," said Severus. He disapparated and reappeared. "All clear," he said.

Severus picked up a stone from the ground and tapped it with his wand. "I've made a portkey," he said. "This will take us to the Minstry."

"What about my sword and my wand?" Viviane asked.

"Get them another time and without me," Severus snapped. "I've had enough of Death Eater basements for one lifetime."

They disappeared. The Tewksberry household was still and silent.

~*~*~*~*~*~

As her spirit left her body, Janet Tewksberry could only think one thing. "I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those wankers and that dog."

A cloaked figure appeared before her. "ARE YOU READY?" he asked. She nodded.

After an extremely bumpy (yet surprisingly short) broomstick ride, Fred, Geroge, Jason, Ron, Charlie and Pigwidgeon appeared in front of a creepy house. Voldemort was outside pruning some of the hedges and humming "Some Enchanted Evening". Jason noticed that the Dark Lord had changed robes; the new ones did not look burnt in the least.

Voldemort turned and faced them. "Welcome to my abode. I hope you find yourselves comfortable as the proverbial fly in the spider's web. He turned around again and whistled "If I Could Turn Back Time" while planting some marigolds.

"I have the bat," shouted Jason. Fred and George rolled their eyes. Voldemort raised his wand without turning around. All five of them suddenly found themselves caught in chains. Pigwidgeon prompty flew into a tree and went to sleep. Voldemort finally stopped gardening and stared at them with his crimson eyes, grinning his evil (yet surprisingly vapid) grin.

"Let them go!" shouted a familiar female voice. The Weasley boys turned around to see their parents, Mafalda Hopkirk, Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall standing behind them.

"We're in for it now," whispered Fred.

"Molly, dear, couldn't you have thought of something wittier to say," said Arthur, " I mean he is the Dark Lord. I think this situation entails a better introduction than 'let them go.'"

"I don't beat around the bush, Arthur," said Molly. "I tell people exactly what I expect them to do."

"I thought it was quite proper and efficient myself," said Voldemort, " I despise pointless banter."

"Fine, fine," said Arthur, "Everyone's against me."

"And one more thing," said Voldemort. "I'm not going to let them go. I also say exactly what I mean. I think you and I would get along quite well, if I wasn't going to kill you, Molly."

"There are five of us, Tom," said Dumbledore.

"As you can see, I'm extremely worried," yawned Voldemort. He raised his wand, and the marigolds planted themselves. "You see, I've learned something, Dumbledore. I've learned through an odd, yet perceptive Muggle list how to be an effective evil overlord. At this moment, I've anticipated every possible move you could make."
Minerva swore loudly. She had also seen the list (her duty as Transfigurations Professor and Assistant Headmistress of Hogwarts) and knew it was foolproof.

"Professor!" blushed Ron. He never expected any teacher of his to use such language. He felt scandalized, and in an odd way, excited. Charlie just laughed. Mortal danger brought out the best part of Charlie's humor.

"But did you plan for this?" shouted Molly. She strutted over to Voldemort with a magazine, whose cover the Weasley boys and Jason could not see - though George was able to make out a "Mr. October, 1947". She opened it up and a three page fold-out unraveled. Voldemort blanched.

"I was young," he babbled nervously, "I needed the money. You have no idea how much it costs to become the Darkest Wizard of the Era. You can't cut corners you know. You can if you want to be any old Dark Wizard, but not if you want to be the Darkest Wizard of the Era. Eye of newt isn't exactly cheap, you know. I was young, foolish, inexperienced, easy to take advantage of. They promised me all copies would be destroyed. I was also pissed at the time. Everyone does it. Have pity on me, please! If not for me, then for my poor marigolds. Look! Over there!" He pointed to the sky.

Everyone looked up. No one saw the Dark Lord escape (with his flowers), as they tried to figure out what exactly he wanted them to see.

"It's quite an extraordinary cloud." said Dumbledore.

"No, he was pointing at that tree. He seems very keen on flora," insisted Mafalda.

"I think he was actually referring to the roof of his house. It needs to have its gutters repaired," mused Charlie.

"I think he was trying to distract us so he could escape," Ron pointed out.

Minerva swore again. She did not think of that. Damn that clever evil overlord list!

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," said Fred, though he was just jealous of Ron's quick thinking.

"Hey Mum, what did you show You-Know-Who?" asked George.

Molly pretended not to hear him as she released him from the chains, though George thought he heard her mutter, "Your future career."

"You boys did good work," said Arthur.

Fred's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. "Huh?" was all he could say.

"Well we knew that you would try to find You-Know-Who once Jason returned," said Molly, "So we decided to do a locator spell on you."

"And when You-Know-Who captured you all," continued Mafalda, "the clock in the Burrow showed you were all in mortal danger. All we had to do was apparate to where the locator spell told us you were."

"Good thinking," said Charlie. He blinked a few times.

"Now let's all go home and have stiff drink," said Minerva.

"Or um, some pumpkin juice for the kids," said Dumbledore.

"Whatever," said Minerva

As they all left (either via apparation or by following Pigwidgeon on broomstick), Mafalda held Molly back.

"Does your arse feel a bit lumpier?" Mafalda asked.

"Quite," said Molly.

They laughed for five long minutes before they finally returned to the Burrow.