Double Dog Dare! -- Episode 4
Jan Dark, 19 December 2001

Fred and George lurked in the shadow of a tombstone which bore the inscription "Catweazle (1014 - 1970)" and listened carefully for sounds of the American muggles getting into difficulties; the snatches of conversation that drifted through the open window indicated that the visitors were in no hurry to find a way up the tower.

"Hunh! They've got a little box here. Look what it says on the lid (Hunh! Hunh!) - you'd think they'd make the slot bigger though, must make it very difficult to aim."

"No, Jeremy" came the voice of the other American, sounding ever so slightly exasperated "it's for people to put in MONEY for the sick."

"And there's this pile of little red books, what's this that's written on the cover?"

There was a pause and then a snorting sound.

"Hhnerrf. This place is called St Dildo's, I bet these are smutty stories about nuns."

There was another pause, and then a muffled clump that could only be the sound of a book hitting a stone floor.

"This is no good, it's just full of poems, I've read a poem already."

"Should we go in and rescue them now?" Fred whispered to George "That one's going to be a danger to himself and everybody in the vicinity whenever he's upright and breathing!"

George considered the matter for a moment.

"You're right, he is a clueless git," he said "but I'm not sure we could convince the Ministry it was an emergency in the current circumstances, and call me Mister Wussy, but I think we should bear in mind that when Percy came back from his orientation day at the Ministry, he told us that Mafalda Hopkirk has a drawer in her filing cabinet with our names on, and it's twice the size of the one Filch has. And even allowing for Percy's exaggerations …."

A loud scraping noise, followed by a cacophonous clatter and a series of discordant tinklings cut him short.

"OK, how about now then?" asked Fred with just a hint of vindication "and I advise you to be swift with your answer, because that curate's just rounded the corner of the church. Quick! Whilst he's staring over at the grove of trees we were hiding in!"

George knew better than to waste time on a reply. Both twins vaulted smoothly over the sill of the open window and into the church. The cause of the commotion was immediately apparent - the Americans had found the small spiral staircase that wound up the inside of the pillar nearest to the altar on the left hand side of the church and had thundered up it, not realising that it ended in thin air some forty feet above the floor of the nave, and had done ever since a fire had taken out the upper wooden flight some sixty years previously. The floor was strewn with the components of a large floral arrangement and a chandelier. The taller, blond American was clinging precariously to the ornamental carvings on the capital of the pillar. The red-haired one was dangling below him, holding onto his brother's feet.

"Gerroff Jason, I can't hold on with you dragging me down like that!" shrieked the blond in a tight, panicked voice. His legs flailed wildly, and though the redhead gamely hung on for a moment, a particularly abrupt swing dislodged him and he plunged towards the stone floor.

Fred had his wand out and was just about to perform a variant of Daisy Pennifold's Quaffle retardation charm, when the air seemed to blur and somehow the red haired American was clinging uncomfortably but safely to the rood screen, twenty yards across from the pillar and eight feet higher.

~*~*~

"Lennox" said Sirius in reply to Janet Tewksberry's question, mindful that Dumbledore had told him to remain undercover for this mission. He gazed appreciatively at her, and was a little startled to find that seeing her smiling at him whilst wearing the dressing gown was more erotic than watching her naked and unaware of his presence. "er Linus Lennox" he clarified ("Gandalf's gasmask - what a lame name!" he thought to himself "As far as smoothness goes, you seem to have regressed to somewhere around the age of 16") " … but some of my friends call me Dogboy ("Great stuff Sirius, why not just add 'and by the way, I'm an Animagus', to make your cover story really watertight").

"Oh that's friends for you" said Janet Tewksberry with a laugh as she stroked Fidelis "though it's surely no insult to have a nickname that references such a charming dog as this one. MY friends call me La Viuda Loca".