To Hell in a Handfasting
by Juliane

Chapter 2

The usual disclaimers apply - all characters are JK Rowling’s, except Viviane Chance.

"Are they aiming for our noses?" Severus’ glare increased in intensity as faculty and students wafted by, showering them with herbs and flower petals and singing (deliberately, Severus thought) bawdy songs in off-key and raucous voices.

"I think so," said Viviane, who had just been hit in the proboscis with a huge sprig of rue. "But they do make easy targets."

The Potions master caught himself in mid-amused snort and tried to look dignified. "I see Dumbledore is beginning the casting of the circle - wait, he has to pause and let that Nimue on his hip finish her orgasm." Her high-pitched squeal died away, joined by Merlin’s satisfied, "Now that was a good lay."

Severus sighed and crossed his arms.

Viviane idly picked at the roses on her head, until the pickproof spell Minerva put on them kicked in, and one of them nipped at Viviane's finger. "Damn," she said, shaking her finger, "it is time they came to fetch us-" The sight of a familiar shape against the sky, gliding towards them, made her catch her breath.

"Merlin’s overtaxed liver, how did they manage to get that ribbon around Malhereuse? And who is going to escort us to the circle?" she said, just as Severus cooed, "Fidelis, my faithful one, come to Sevvie." Viviane glanced down to see the little spaniel, nearly overpowered by a huge silver bow, come running down the slope towards them.

"Oh no, they didn’t. Oh, er, Severus-" she began, but Snape ignored her, slapping his knees to urge his beloved pet forward.

Fidelis had only gotten halfway there when Malhereuse dove into an admirable rendition of the Wronsky feint and, with a triumphant cry, seized the tiny spaniel. An appreciative cheer from Harry and the twins drifted down to them. "I bet ten Galleons on the falcon," cried George. "Done," said Fred. "You don't know what that damned spaniel is capable of."

Severus’ face drained of what little color it possessed as he watched his pet carried off, and he grabbed Viviane’s arm. "Call him back."

It was the deadliest whisper Viviane had ever heard. ‘Er, he’s not exactly well trained-"

"I know that." The whisper got even deadlier, and he stood on his tiptoes to loom over her more effectively. "Call him back. Or do you really want me to tell Malfoy, in public, why his brooms have become so terribly unruly?"

Viviane glared at him. "You were involved in that little scene, too…" she began, then sighed. "Oh all right; unlike you, I have a reputation to uphold. I’ll try to get him back."

Hitching up her skirts, she took off across the fields. After finishing up his bout of crazed laughter, Snape bundled his own over his arm and followed her as she ran, calling for her pet and occasionally tripping and sprawling on the lawn in a compelling show of legs and garters. Thank goodness my gown won’t show grass stains, she thought. I’m terrible at laundry charms. At the top of a hill, she spotted her pet wheeling around the circumference of a bog, occasionally swooping down to drag the tiny dog in the muck before climbing skyward again.

"Damn you, you recalcitrant falcon, give him here," she called. "I don’t care how annoying he is….Malhereuse! Now!" Viviane turned to Severus, shrugging. "He seems to be having too much fun to stop."

Snape was about to retort, or maybe kill her, when both of them suddenly found themselves face down on the grass, tackled respectively by Hooch and Arthur Weasley. "Got ‘em!" Hetty cried. "I told Dumbledore you should never leave the couple alone, outside the circle. They always make a run for it." At that moment Malhereuse dropped a filthy and howling Fidelis on Snape’s back, then fluttered down to rest on Viviane’s shoulder.

As their captors stood up and brushed off their formal robes, Severus and Viviane both rolled over and struggled to stand, the Potions Master hampered by Fidelis, who was running about on his chest, leaving muddy paw prints on the crimson silk, and Viviane by Malhereuse’s excited flapping about. Viviane wrinkled her nose. "Was that a sulfur bog, or did your mangy pup fart?" Fidelis paused in his frantic gambolings to bite Viviane on the ear, causing Malhereuse to attempt to pounce on the pup once again. Hetty and Arthur paused for a moment to watch the melee of falcon, dog, and Professors as Severus curled his body around Fidelis to save him from the irritated raptor, who was being pulled off of the Potions master by Viviane, leaving large chunks of fabric in his claws.

"You take Severus, Arthur, and I’ll subdue Viviane," said Hetty, throwing herself into the fight with rather frightening enthusiasm.

"Uh, sure, Hetty," replied Arthur, wondering which of his children would disappear as a result of his unwelcome interaction. He hoped it would be Percy, that starchy freak.

~*~*~

The circle had been cast and everyone was standing around, watching the slightly bedraggled bride and groom approach, their arms gripped by an authoritative Hetty and Arthur. "I told you sending their pets to escort them was a bad idea," whispered Hermione to Lavender. Lavender scowled, remembered where she was, and simpered instead, unintentionally irritating Hermione even more.

As the couple paused outside the circle, Dumbledore held out his arms towards them. "Do you wish to enter the circle, to plight your troth in front of those who love and support you?"

Viviane rolled her eyes. "Not really- YES!" she shouted, burned in the arse by a curse from Hetty's wand.

After a sharp poke from Arthur, Snape surled, "If you insist."

Harry Potter came forward and cut a door in the circle, outlined by Bludgers rendered in golden sparks. Ginny fainted in admiration.

"That kid is such a damned showoff," Viviane muttered as they passed through.

"This is NOT a sporting event," growled Severus.

Dumbledore lead them to the middle of the circle, then asked, "Does anyone have anything to say to the bride or groom on this momentous occasion?" Viviane and Severus looked alarmed and reached for their wands. Minerva stepped forward.

"As the witness for Viviane, I would like to say that since her arrival at Hogwarts, our dull, daily routine of terrible emergency, classes, feast, terrible emergency, classes, feast has been irrevocably changed. We now have to cope with the screaming bouts of temper, falcon feces and wailing orgasms that echo through the Hogwarts Floo network, breaking up the monotony of our perilous days. Only someone as antisocial and unwashed as our own Severus Snape could tempt Viviane to settle down into a more domestic routine." Her expression, until then a weird cross between sternness and sweeping romantic girlishness, crossed over entirely into sternness. "And Severus, I suggest establishing a specific pattern to your lovemaking. That noise she makes would be more tolerable if we knew exactly when to expect-"

Dumbledore interrupted in his most graceful manner.

"That’s enough of that. Remus? You wanted to say something?"

Remus stepped forward, drooping gracefully beneath his tastefully tattered robes.

"I say, Professor Lupin, are you over your transformation yet? You look like you need some soup," exclaimed Oliver, insinuating his talented fingers underneath the Professor’s fascinating elbow.

Remus smiled tenderly upon the handsome lad. "No, my dear Oliver, it was a rough night in…other ways-"

"Hands off, BiggerWood," snapped Sirius, taking possession of the elbow in question. "Haul your Scottish arse off to the back of the circle." Remus, with a gentle squeeze, put Sirius lightly aside, after a sexy, quirky look that made Sirius whimper and lick his friend's face before desisting.

"Ahem. My dearest Viviane. You’ve been my companion through the tough, early post-Voldemort years, back when you killed people for actual reasons. I watched you grow from a pretty, lusty, murderous girl to a scarred, lusty, murderous woman. I’m so glad you found someone with whom to share your aggressive behavior. And even though I’m not the least bit sexually interested in you, I’d like to say that you were the one person I might have been tempted to marry. After all, you do have an amazing collection of antiques, not to mention the loveliest breasts, crowned by nipples equal to-"

He was cut off by Sirius dragging him back behind the flock of girls, who were applauding in a mist of romantic tears. Wiping one away, Hermione thought, Why are all the decent wizards gay or taken? She glanced at Ron, who was surreptitiously trying to rearrange his scrotum, and at Harry, who was giving her one of those smoldering, green-heat glances she found so frightening. It made her want to run back to the library at top speed, and hold The Encyclopaedia of Wizard Everything protectively in front of her womanhood. Why can't boys approach sex in a cold, intellectual manner, like...like... She looked around, and her eyes fell upon the twitching Potions Master. Like Professor Snape. Surely, his cerebral attitude towards...it...is far less sloppy, and more conducive to an earth-shattering first time, than the adapted Quidditch moves of some people. She clenched her perky buttocks in a spasm of frustration, and wiped away another tear, as one more unwelcome thought elbowed its way through her crowded brain. Why are all the sexually interesting wizards legally unavailable and frightfully unattractive?

"I wanna say something." Moody clumped to the center of the assembly, and tried to glare, but his whirly blue eye insisted on looking bemused. "Damn thing," he muttered. "Severus, you've made some terrible decisions in your life. I've wanted to punish you for a long time, boy. But-" He clapped Severus on the back, causing the Potions Master to jump and emit a reflexive Avada Kedavra from his wand. It hit Neville Longbottom, who died instantly. "Just leave him there," advised Narcissa. "We're going to mulch this area next spring, anyway."

"Now, maybe the rumors will stop and Harry will notice me," thought Ginny, who Avada Kedavra'd Neville again, just to make sure he was dead, and nudged his body to the edge of the circle.

"But," Moody continued, "You've taken that task off my hands. I wish you joy of your hideously scarred, criminal wife, who I'm sure will make you onion soup and kiss you on demand. Heh. Heheheheh. I always did rather like you, boy. Nice wardrobe. Decent attitude. The spy thing. You know. You've done a fine job, spying and all, saving Hogwarts, saving the Ministry....constant sigilstance... " His voice trailed off and he stomped back to his place, swigging from his hip flask.

"He did not save Hogwarts," protested Viviane in a whisper, causing Severus to stomp on her foot. A truly impressive bout of hymeneal shin-kicking appeared imminent, when Lucius Malfoy stepped forward.

"As the only person who would consent to be Severus’ witness, I’d like to say that you are never to bring your wife into my house. She stays in the garden with the gnomes. The potential combination of your obviously low-rent gene pool and her stagnant morass of repulsive inbreeding should terrify anyone, but obviously, these fools at Hogwarts haven’t acquired any sense since the last time they screwed up and let Voldemort waltz off into some Moravian forest."

The bride and groom nodded. "Thank you, Lucius," said Viviane, while Lucius and Severus shook hands.

Dumbledore bounced forward. "Time for the binding! Time for the binding!" he sang merrily. Germaine Sprout jumped to attention, pulled a twenty-foot bullwhip out from under her robes and began to fondle it gleefully. Flitwick began to drool a little, and looked like he wanted nothing so much as to start groveling.

"Er, do we need to touch each other…or clasp hands…or something…" asked Viviane.

The Headmaster bounced in place, making his spectacles perform a can-can. "Oh no! Not at all! Gookyfunk! Twibbledweet! I have got a better idea. I think you two need more than a mere ribbon, or, er, whip to bind you together." He waved his wand and a Lethifold came swooping down over the crowd, to wrap itself around the horrified couple. Its hide was completely covered in gold, purple, and magenta sequins, sparkling almost as maniacally as Dumbledore’s eyes. The screams of Viviane and Severus as they were completely enfolded by the beast made everyone smile, as the couple fought to get away from each other and out from under the gaudy beast.

"Great Merlin, the Headmaster has gone and murdered Elvis for his wardrobe," muttered Hermione.

Dumbledore tapped on the writhing mass of sequins, causing those within to lose their balance and tip over, still kicking, on the grass. "Severus-"

"Nice shoes, huh?" whispered Oliver to Remus. "I love needle heels."

"I do, too. Viviane often let me borrow – oh!" Remus blushed as Sirius glared at Oliver while caressing Remus’ arse in that rough, yet tender way he had.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "If everyone is done making inappropriate comments, I shall continue. Shall I?" Everyone cleared their throat and glared at Oliver, who looked completely unrepentant.

Dumbledore began again.

"Severus, would you please declare your love for this woman, at length, and in suitably flowery language? And promise to support her hopes, dreams and aspirations-"

A muffled, "I bloody do, already. Let me out of here," was heard.

"Viviane, please tell us, using as many adjectives as possible, and with concrete examples, why you love Severus. And promise to support his hopes, dreams and aspirations in both his personal- "

Everyone hastily performed a Deafening Charm on themselves, so nobody but Dumbledore heard Viviane say, "If you don’t let me out of here, I will make myself a widow. Now get this thing off of us."

Dumbledore giggled. "What are the magic words, Viviane?"

A sullen silence was followed by a surly, "I promise."

"Let's open this circle and start the reception!" cried Dumbledore.