To Hell in a Handfasting
by Juliane

Chapter 3

The usual disclaimers apply - all characters are JK Rowling’s, except Viviane Chance.

Seeing the creature release the newly bound couple, everyone de-Deafened themselves, with many gasps and raised eyebrows at the spectacle on the grass.

"Dearest Viviane has always been precipitate, but this-"whispered Minerva.

"Oh, GROSS,"cried Oliver, hiding his eyes in Remus’shoulder.

Hetty let out a lascivious chortle. "Severus, I’m impressed by your enthusiasm, which was not too evident when I jumped out of that cake. Unlike some others." She winked at Flitwick, who broke into a Safety Dance.

Severus glared at all of them from his position between Viviane’s upraised knees, and then, using Flitwick’s head for a prop, stumbled upright, stepping on Viviane in a most deliberate manner.

"There’s...nothing...impressive...about him..."growled out Viviane. She struggled to her feet, only to be felled with a most unbridely "Oomph,"as she tripped over the broom shoved against her shins.

"Your turn,"chorused Hetty and Sprout, holding the ends of the broom. Snape stood and pouted until Hetty began to tickle Sprout in the crotch with the prickly end, whereupon Snape attempted a jump simply to make her stop.

The pout turned into an anguished howl as Sprout jerked her end of the broom upwards, connecting smartly with his scrotum. He promptly fell over on top of Viviane.

"Look at ‘em go! They can’t keep their crotches off of one another!"chortled Sirius. "Why don’t you two just consummate it now and give us all a lusty, yet hilariously inept spectacle?"

"Not on my lawn,"snapped Lucius. "I like my gardens untraumatized."

"Have I ever declared that I hate you all? Well, I do,"said Severus, ripping the heads off of several daisies growing within reach.

"Get off of me, you whey-faced nimrod,"grunted Viviane, pushing against his chest, but suddenly he was removed from atop her with no further effort on her part, and dropped into the grass a few feet away.

"Viviane!"drawled the wizard in front of her, hair a little greyer but eyes still the same electric blue. "I haven’t seen you since you were chased out of Shipley by that mob - oh, and there’s your friend, the werewolf. Good afternoon, Snarly. What was your name again? Remus? Nice to see you’re still around."

Viviane lay on the grass, blinking up at him. "Mortimer? How the hell did you find me?"

As the gangster helped her to her feet, he began to laugh. "Dumbledore thought I should be here to bless the union. So you’re married to that sorry sod in the red dress? I’ve seen whores on the prowl dressed with more taste. Congratulations on your exotic new husband."

Severus, brushing off his robes, looked over. "Oh, the professional assassin and smuggler has come to swell the joyous crowd. Brilliant, Viviane. Tell me, are your former, er, customers going to arrive as well, or are there any left you haven’t killed?"

Dumbledore bounded into their midst. "Am I to assume that everyone’s digestive systems are signaling that replenishment is needed? Mine is quite emphatic on that point, and I know Malfoy’s abused, downtrodden house-elves have prepared a special feast for us all."

"Goody!"everyone cried, and began to race down the hill towards the feast.

"Hey!"the spirits yelled after them. "You haven’t opened the circle yet!"

"As if proper rules matter to this crowd,"commented Hermione, staying behind to finish up the ceremony on her own, and suggest improvements to the ritual that would save time, deepen the meaning, and finish up any laundry lying about the participant’s homes. Bored to near-death, the spirits took themselves off halfway through her dissertation for a gin and tonic.

The feast was set out in an arbor festooned with gilded Hinkypunks chained to trellises full of climbing roses. The roses were beginning to look rather shabby, since the Hinkypunks were using them to show their resentment at their glittery fate. Ignoring the chorus of congratulations, Viviane and Severus took their seats at the elaborate thrones at the high table and looked around for service.

Some trembling house-elves offered the champagne punch to Severus and Viviane. Viviane pulled out her wand. "If you don’t find me something much, much stronger right away, any punishment Malfoy has ever inflicted will feel like a professional massage. Got it?"

As the elf scurried away, Severus yelled, "Bring enough for me, too."

The feast appeared on the golden plates. Viviane looked down at hers, and her rose-crowned, off-alabaster brow became corrugated in puzzlement. "Er, my chops are...doing something. They...they seem to be, uh..."

"Fornicating,"Severus intoned, impaling one of his with his fork. The other began to weep until he speared it with his knife.

"Would evil Death Eater Potions Master Expert Virgin Deflowerer like some Scotch, evil Death Eater Potions Master Expert Virgin Deflowerer?"asked the house-elf, returning with a huge bottle of Old Ogdens and a dislocated shoulder, earned from throwing itself downstairs in a spasm of uncertainty and guilt over secretly believing Einstein's theory of probability.

"Wrong fic, unfortunately,"muttered Severus, snatching the bottle and pouring a drink for himself and Viviane.

"Sot,"snapped Viviane. Severus elbowed her in the corset.

~*~*~

Fred and George sat down at one of the distant tables, scanning the crowd of girls and ruffles. "Where are Angelina and Alicia?"asked George.

Fred pouted. "They’re playing Quidditch. You know they have no other reason to exist. Although..."

George raised one sandy eyebrow. Fred hated him for the ability to do this.

"...I think they’re also allowed to shag us, on occasion. But this obviously isn’t one of them."

Fred may not have been able to perform the one-eyebrow trick, but he did have the yearly good idea. "Come on, George," he whispered, and the twins slipped into the Malfoy basement.

~*~*~

Dumbledore stood up, and clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention. "Phosgoompleserum! Eldortweetmont! Some of you would like to present gifts to this couple, our newest example of the healing, improving, nourishing nature of love. Minerva?"

Rustling in her acres of silken plaid, Minerva came forward and placed a pair of gallon-sized silver goblets, studded with glowing rubies, on the table. "Knowing how much you two imbibe on any given day, this should save you time and effort. Just pour a couple of bottles of wine or hard liquor in each, and they will provide you both with more precious moments to spend with each other, instead of wasting them on worthless tasks like constant refills."

"Thank you Minerva,"chorused the handfasted pair, gratefully noting the holding capacity of the massive things.

Remus stepped forward, accompanied by Sirius. "My very dear Viviane, and my not-at-all-dear Severus, I, too, thought of a practical, time saving gift. Note what happens when we shed our clothing."

Their robes dropped away, and gasps of appreciation rippled through the crowd, accompanied by a few terrified screams from the girls’table, at the sight of Sirius’massive equipment, encased in a tiny pair of form-fitting underwear. The Slytherin house shield was frightfully distorted by the fascinating bumps over which it was stretched. Remus was clad in a dark green corset edged in black lace, the effect somewhat spoiled by his lack of voluptuous breasts. Remus turned to his well-equipped assistant, and they each grasped the other’s crotch. The underwear flew off, leaving both men naked. There was a crash as Oliver Wood fainted, upsetting a table on his way down.

"Instead of the usually onerous task of unclothing each other, this provides a quick way out when all you want to do is put on a Barry White album and screw like a pair of horny pixies."

Hetty Hooch jumped up. "Oooh, that goes so well with my gift! Let me show you-"

Dumbledore got up, all of the Merlins and Nimues on his robes merging together in a really confusing orgy. "This splendid show of generosity from all of you has quite overwhelmed me, and if I twinkle any harder I might combust,"he said. "The rest of the gifts may be presented in private. Now, I believe it is time for the cake."

Hooch’s subdued, insane giggle did little to reassure Viviane and Severus.

The cake arrived, borne by Dobby, Winky, and two of the slavish, interchangeable house-elves from the Hogwarts kitchens. Dobby was unhappy, chanting, "Hate Professors Chance and Snape. Professors Chance and Snape don’t wear socks. Professors Chance and Snape don’t recognize Dobby. Professors Chance and Snape use first person pronouns."

Winky cooed in alarm. "Oooh, Winky bad elf for existing. Winky bad elf for listening to Dobby rightfully abuse the horrible Professors. Does Dobby have a cat o’nine tails, or a thumbscrew so Winky can torture Winky?"

Sprout perked up and prepared to make a suggestion.

"No,"snapped Dobby. "Dobby can’t think of everything." He and the other elves slapped the cake down in front of the nuptial couple and went to find trees against which to bang their heads. They were happy to find that Malfoy had been kind enough to add spikes at house-elf-forehead level to all of them.

Everyone sat in silence, staring at the multi-tiered cake looming in front of Viviane and Severus.

"Do you see anything...different about this cake, my dear Professors?"asked Dumbledore. "Come, now is no time to developing the art of fine manners and behavior resembling that of sane beings."

The bride and groom eyed each other suspiciously. Finally, Viviane ventured, "Er, it doesn’t have icing?"

Flitwick leapt forward. "Correct! Oh, you are correct, you incomparably lusty, long-legged, can-I-hide-under-your-skirts wench - I mean Viviane. Here is my gift to you both, given with hope that this marriage will mean the end of two nasty, antisocial people and the beginning of a swooningly in-love, shining example of matrimony."

He waved his wand and with a "Tthhhh,"a miniature Malhereuse appeared. The facsimile falcon began to wing his way around the layers of the cake, producing copious droppings of white icing that coated the surface and bloomed into white iced roses. With another wave, a tinkle of chimes was heard, and an even more diminutive Fidelis appeared. He ran about, lifting his leg against the roses, turning them a brilliant shade of yellow.

"Time to cut the cake!" Dumbledore turned to Severus and handed him the cake knife. "Usually the bride does this, but considering...

"Excellent thought, Albus, for once." Snape grabbed the knife before Viviane could get her hands on it. He cut a slice and pulled his arm back, his face wearing a happy expression for the first time in days.

Viviane stared him down. "If you even attempt an assault with that cake, your life won’t be worth a sou. Albus?"

Minerva pushed her chair back from the table. "Er, Albus, I believe that dinner filled me up. Too much kidney pie and haggis. Not interested in dessert, myself..."

A chorus of "Me too’s"echoed across the garden, and people began to get up and gather around the punch bowl. Dumbledore pushed a pile of parchment towards the newly married couple.

"More paperwork, I’m afraid. Hogwarts records, etc." He handed them a golden quill. It was difficult to hold on to, because the Mordred and Morgan le Fey that made up the handle had applied body oil to themselves, and were squirming around each other in an ecstacy of lust.

As Viviane and Severus bent over, scribbling their names on a pile of parchment and occasionally wiping their fingers on the tablecloth, Dumbledore and Mortimer’s eyes met.

"For a respectable old sod, you’re quite the frisky one," Mortimer commented.

Dumbledore scintillated, then took Mortimer’s goblet and set it on the table. "My dear boy, I’ve watched your unorthodox career with the utmost enjoyment. Come with me; I’d like to show you my Pensieve."

He leaned forward, giving Mortimer a scandalous buss on the cheek, and both disapparated.

Minerva looked up from guzzling punch. "You can’t Apparate in Hogthwarths," she mumbled.

"You may not," Dumbledore’s voice echoed back, "but I make the rules, and right now I have evinced the need to satisfy the urgings of my erectile tissues, as well as expend my lust for a hot, middle-aged gangster."

"Oh,"said Minerva, and held out her glass for more punch. With a grin, Fred Weasley refilled it for her, then he and his brother retreated back to their table, loaded down with every sort of sweet, pastry and candy, except cake.

Severus and Viviane sat back down at their places, and guzzled whiskey while watching the crowd. It was rapidly thinning out.

"Where is everyone?"she commented to Severus, kicking him in the leg.

"Ouch!"responded a voice that was higher and far more excited than the morose Potion Master.

Peeking under their table, the pair saw Narcissa, writhing under the humping form of Percy, his tight Weasley buttocks, dusted with red-gold hair, working away in a manner to do the Ministry proud.

"Oh, sorry,"said Viviane, dropping the tablecloth.

"I’ve never made love to a man obsessed by rules and good behavior before,"Narcissa panted. "It’s so very sexy."

"Thank you, Ma’am," said Percy.

Looking back over the crowd, the sight that met their eyes made Severus and Viviane quickly splash more Old Ogdens into their glasses.

Hetty and Germaine had tied Flitwick to the trellis, and were letting the Hinkypunks have their way with him as they, stripped naked, rolled in the grass together, laughing and pointing out the stranger Hinkypunk whims.

There was quite a melee going on in the bushes at the edge of the clearing, that seemed to involve Sirius, Oliver and what must have been Remus, since his shabby robe was lying in a heap in the middle of the lawn. There was a lot of bobbing going on.

Severus squinted at them. "I didn’t know traditional Greek wrestling was so popular among wizards our age,"he said.

Viviane squirmed. "Right. Never mind. What on earth are the students doing?"

Hermione was being chased around the lawn by a herd of boys, headed by Harry. Ginny wasn’t far behind, brandishing a huge knife and wailing, "He’s mine, you peach-ruffled bitch! He’s mine and you’re going to die before you touch him! Just wait till we get back to Hogwarts. I’m going to make me some Kneazle stew."

Minerva, instead of stopping this untoward display, was splayed out in the grass, her hair in wild disorder. Professor Vector, his handsome chest bared by his unbuttoned robes, was whispering something in her ear. Whatever it was caused her to pull him down into an embrace so passionate they began rolling down the gentle slope of the lawn, shedding garments as they went. They cut the legs out from under Sinistra and Malfoy, who were in a state of dishabille and making for a summerhouse near the lake. Once down, they gave up on the summerhouse and began to make wild, impassioned love right there.

"I knew this was going to happen," Trelawney whimpered. "I told Dumbledore-"

She was effectively silenced by Blaise Zabini’s tongue being shoved down her throat. Coming up for air, Zabini said, "I love misty, vacant women. They’re so unsubstantial,"and then went back to tonsil-tickling.

"Well,"said Viviane, "This has been an appalling day, all told. I want a bath and a nap." She got up and started back towards the mansion.

"Wait, I’ll join you,"said Severus, taking care to pick up the goblets Minerva had given them. "I need some sleep, myself, or perhaps a cup of hemlock."

"That latter option sounds like an excellent idea. Do I then inherit your posessions?"

Severus responded with a glare, just before they Apparated back to the gates of Hogwarts. As they walked towards the castle, Snape said, "By the way, I hope you don’t expect anything from me. You got me into this, but I’m not going to play husband to you. You’re not to enter my dungeon, touch me, nor sit next to me at dinner. I don’t want to be put off my appetite."

Viviane snarled at him. "Don’t worry. My bed is off limits to you, now and always. We may be married, but we don’t have to act like it. Agreed?"

"Agreed,"said Snape, and after stepping through the front door of Hogwarts, they each took their separate paths to the dungeons of Slytherin House and to Ravenclaw Tower.

~*~*~

Fred and George made their way to the Quidditch pitch, and spotted Angelica and Alicia whipping through the air, practicing their patented passes to each other.

"They’ll be nice and thirsty,"said George, shaking the flask full of aphrodisiac-spiked punch. But I’m still not sure this was worth the sight of Oliver Wood’s bouncing bare arse. On the other hand, I do want a good shagging."

Fred look the slightest bit abashed. "Do you think it’s fair? Giving them this spiked punch?"

"Well, what else did we break into Malfoy’s ingredients for? But you’re right, it isn’t quite fair..."

He regarded the flask for a moment, then took a swallow. Fred grabbed it and took a swig.

"All’s fair now. And just think - most of the Professors are busy shagging all over Malfoy’s lawn. We’ve got the run of Hogwarts."

"Collect Angelina and Alicia, then to the prefects bathroom?"

"You’re on!"