I don't know where to start with this, so I think I'll just quote Bilbo
Baggins: "I am leaving."
Yup. Leaving. As in, leaving the fandom, and certainly leaving Pawn to
Queen and HP ficwriting. And believe it or not, the main reason I'm leaving
has very little to do with the fandom itself. To quote one of my favorite
bands, Jimmy Eat World: "I said my goodbyes/ This is my sundown/ I'm going
to be so much more than this."
Let me explain... or at least analogize. For those of you who've read
Lois McMaster Bujold's Vorkosigan Saga, you can think of my life as being
perhaps a little like Miles'. How? Well, during a rather "dead-end" time
in his life, Miles invented, essentially on a whim, an alternate persona
for himself (Admiral Naismith), which quickly snowballed into an entire
separate, and very demanding, life that served as a kind of "safety valve"
for his birth identity (in which, at the time, he felt, and not without
justice, that he was underappreciated and his talents not used to the
fullest). Then, health problems combined with stubbornness forced him
into "early" retirement from the Naismith persona... while finally giving
him the opportunity to *use* his gifts and be appreciated for them under
his "real" name and identity, as a Lord Auditor in the service of his
I think Ms. Bujold must know a lot of ficwriters. Or at least one
other one who went through this.
Regardless of the inspiration for Miles' double life and its integration,
though, it effectively describes the process I went through that got me
to the point where I am now. And it's a pretty wonderful place to be---
opportunity isn't just knocking, she's beating down the door, and I'd
be a fool not to grab my overnight bag and set off down the road hand
in hand with her. Even if she doesn't take me exactly where I'm hoping
she will, I do want to know I went after her--- and as Heinlein's Lazarus
Long said, when the ship lifts, all bills are paid. No exceptions.
Now, my new opportunities are hardly on the level of a Lord Auditorship... but then, the persona called "Riley" isn't exactly Admiral Naismith, either! It's been a hell of a ride, ups and downs both, an amazing learning experience, and there are people in this life I'll always love and keep in touch with... but Riley, like Admiral Naismith, has given her creator as much as she can, and it's time I move on (unlike Miles, I don't intend to stay too long at the fair!). And like Miles, there are certainly valuable things I could have done with and through my alternate self that I'll miss out on doing... but ultimately, I'll be more effective, not to mention happier, as myself--- "me with no brakes", as Miles called Naismith... but under my own name. Wish me luck or curse me to all eternity for not finishing PtQ, as you like, but either way, once more quoting Jimmy Eat World, "this is my sundown... good, good bye."
Last updated: 22 February 2003 by Hecate
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