Chapter 5: The Fire and Water of Repentance

After his last class, Severus went to his rooms, wondering whether the friendship of the past could ever be repaired in the present.  Much to his own surprise, he made an effort to look better, something he ordinarily had no reason to care about.  He chose dark green robes and conjured a bouquet of flowers.  He didn't know why he was bothering with all of this.  He looked in the mirror with a mixture of nervousness and distaste.  "You don't have the slightest idea what to do with a woman.  You never did," he said in disgust.  "I don't even know why you should care."

"Hmm," the mirror said in return.  "Well, if you don't care, then it won't matter if she throws you out of the hospital wing, will it?  At least your hair will look better." 

Severus let a low growl escape from his throat as he picked up his shaving bowl and almost hurled it at the mirror.  He stopped himself.  This would be the second mirror he had broken since the start of term.  This one had to last at least a complete month before he gave it what it deserved for its tremendous cheek.  He left his rooms and walked swiftly through the halls hoping to avoid the curious eyes of students.  He noted with some satisfaction that everyone gave him a wide berth as he rushed up the stairs and across corridors to the hospital wing, holding the flowers at his side like a club. 

***

Alex sat and brushed her hair with a little smile on her face.  Well, it was a heck of a way to break the ice, but at least we are talking to each other like we used to.  She thought of the many times they had met just outside of the Forbidden Forest.  It seemed to her that he was more relaxed out roaming the grounds with her than he was whenever she saw him with the Slytherin gang.  It was almost as if someone was making him be a part of that group, at first anyway.  Later, he seemed more interested in them, but for some reason he didn't give up his little friend until he left school.  She had been heartbroken at the thought that he was one of them.  When she had heard from her brother that Severus had helped Dumbledore, Alex held out a tiny hope that she would see him again, and that maybe their friendship would deepen into something more.  After all, he did kiss me once . . .

She laughed at herself for the crush she had had on him in those days and the silly note she had written him before he had left school.  But the memory of the years she spent hoping they would reunite hurt a little.  What is he feeling now?  Does he even think about any of that?

***

When he arrived at the hospital wing, Alexandra was sitting up in bed brushing her hair.  She was wearing a yellow dressing gown over the hospital nightdress.  He watched her for a minute, steeling himself to make his apology, and then knocked on the door.

"Alexandra, you look well-rested.  Do you feel all right?" Best to seem confident, he thought.

"Sure do," she said, smiling a warm smile. 

I'd forgotten the freckles on her nose . . .  Severus did his best not to stare at her.

"Speaking of looking well, Severus, you look great.  What's the occasion?" Alex asked him with wide, glittering eyes.

"I came to visit you.  I . . . er . . . I brought you these."  He handed her the flowers quickly.  He couldn't remember the last time he had even contemplated a flower as anything other than a potion ingredient.

"Thank you, Severus.  They're really lovely."  Alex looked puzzled.  "Did I wake up in the parallel universe or what?"

"Alexandra, I know I've been quite awful.  That's all in the past now."  Severus looked down, trying to think of what possible combination of words would make up for his rude behavior.  She had been a loyal friend at a time in his life when he had no true friends.  He owed her for that.

"Well, I guess almost snuffing it was worthwhile then.  You have to be my friend now," she said with a little grin on her face.  She seemed to want to tease him as she used to when she was a child.  But she's hardly that now!

"By the way," she said, "I heard you were quite the hero this morning.  Whatever Dumbledore pays you, it's not enough.  You gave a really terrific lecture and then you saved my life.  All in a day's work, eh?"

"You really liked my class, then?" he asked in a surprised tone.

"You bet.  You were great.  But I can't believe you actually carried me here too.  Is your back okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." he said, straightening his shoulders and allowing himself to bask in her praise.

"Sit down over here, " she said, patting the bed.  "Don't worry, Madame Pomfrey is out having tea."

***

Alexandra looked nervously at him, biting her lower lip.  He dressed up and he brought me flowers, she thought, experiencing a split second of alarmed amusement at her own behavior as she threw her arms around him and kissed him on the lips.  He looked very flustered, but managed to kiss her back for a moment before almost jumping off the bed.  "What are you doing?!  You can't do that!"

"Why not?  We're alone." 

"I can see that, Alexandra.  It just isn't . . ." His hands went up in a gesture of sheer frustration. 

She couldn't help it; she smiled, struggling not to laugh.  "Is this some sort of anti-fraternization policy, because I'm not a student nor am I on staff, so it doesn't apply to me."  He stood mutely, arms crossed over his chest.  "Um, are you telling me I don't have your permission to kiss you, Severus?"

"As a matter of fact you don't.  It isn't right.  I'm not right for you," he said clutching his left arm.  He looked pretty agitated and she didn't know what to make of it.

"Severus, sit down and look me in the eye.  I won't kiss you again," she said.  "Now tell me what's on your mind." 

"If you don't mind, I'll remain standing for the moment," he said with a little bite in his voice.  Where have I heard that tone before?

"All right.  Go ahead and tell me what you're thinking," Alex said in the patient tone she had taken with him so many times when they were young.

He paced a little before stopping and facing her again.  "There's no sense in being indirect.  I don't think you should get involved with me.  I've kept away from you all these years for a reason.  I'm sure you've realized since you've been back here that I'm not exactly a good person."

She shook her head and said, "You're wrong.  You don't act like a nice person, but that doesn't make you a bad person."

"Alexandra, don't be so unrealistic.  Can you, the intrepid Auror, stand to be with someone who's done the things I've done in my life?"  He gave her a piercing look that she returned.

"Oh, I get it.  You have some strange notion that you don't deserve to be cared for because of things that happened over fifteen years ago.  I must say you have an original way of rejecting a girl.  I hope this doesn't mean that my best friend is still haunting you." 

"That's nonsense and you know it.  I am hardly a schoolboy, and whatever little attachments I had in school have long since faded."

"All of them?" she whispered, feeling very hurt.

"You know what I mean." 

No, I don't, damn it!  she thought, frowning a little.

They were silent for a moment, Alexandra wondering whether it was worth saying what she wanted to say.  "Severus, I happen to know from more than one source that you did everything you could to save James and Lily, whether your motives were based on the feelings of a schoolboy or not."

"It wasn't enough." She could see that he was still blaming himself just as he had the night after James and Lily had died.

"What do you mean?  You came back to the right side before Voldemort fell.  You took all sorts of risks and you still do.  You've even done a few things for Harry."  She patted the bed again, beckoning him to sit next to her.  "I don't understand what that has to do with our friendship."  He sat down next to her.

"You don't know the half of what I've done, Alexandra.  After it was over I told myself I'd always be alone - not just because I failed Lily, but because I could never do enough to deserve anyone else, especially not you."

"Actually, I do know your past.  Don't forget, you told me some of it yourself.  Besides, I've seen the file my brother has on you.  What's done is done and it's no reason for you to give up on life and on yourself.  Don't you know how wrong that is?"

"It's not wrong . . . to accept the burden of your sins," he said in a low voice.

"Sweet mother of pearl!" she said in a very exasperated tone of voice.  "You are so full of crap."

"Now it's your turn to explain yourself," he said, his brow furrowing.  Oh boy, she thought, Where do I start?

***

Alexandra looked at him intently and held onto his arm so he wouldn't get up.  "Severus, I presume you are truly sorry for what you have done - for having been a Death Eater."

"I've been sorry every day for the last sixteen years."  He could feel the color rise to his face.  This was not the discussion he expected to be having with her, or with anyone else.

"All right, then. Don't you see?  God has forgiven you.  Dumbledore has forgiven you.  Why can't you forgive yourself?"

Snape looked dumbfounded. The last thing he expected was a theological discussion.  He fought back his emotions and recalled all the times she had challenged him by blurting out what she was thinking.  Many times she had lectured him as if he had been the younger one.  But you have to admit, she is right.  You haven't forgiven yourself and you probably never will. 

Alex continued, "Wake up, Sev.  Your life is slipping by.  Don't you want to live instead of just existing?  I don't just mean kissing, either.  I mean really enjoying all aspects of your life!"

Snape took a deep breath and expelled it slowly.  With a determined tone of voice he said, "I have always felt that I deserved this 'existence'as you call it and that I should have nothing more."

"Okay," she said with an exasperated sigh.  "I've been getting very mixed signals from you.  You've been pushing me away since I arrived, as if your life depended on it.  Then you came here with flowers and a sincere apology, but now we're back to pushing away?  And you're telling me it's because you think you don't deserve to be happy? Hmm!  Now, be honest.  Is that your only reason?"  He was silent, almost as if he knew what was coming. 

"You know, locking yourself away in this place and behaving like a total jerk is no way to purify your soul.  All you've done is make yourself and others miserable.  That might have been your goal, but the problem is, you've missed out on the whole self-improvement aspect of redemption.  How about putting your old habits and fears aside and being a real person for a change?"  Severus didn't have the strength to answer her final question.  He was afraid to look in her eyes and see disappointment.

***

He took another deep breath and when he finally met her gaze, she saw a deep sadness in his eyes that pulled at her heartstrings. "To be honest, Alexandra, I don't know if I can."

"Well you can't know if you don't try," she said pushing the hair out of his eyes as he looked down. 

She studied him for a moment, hesitating to say what she was thinking, but then decided that she didn't have much to lose by saying it all.  "Listen, Sev," she said in quiet voice,  "Don't let the fact that I'm lying in bed aching to kiss you influence you in any way.  You should want to be happy with or without me."

He didn't really look that surprised at what she had said, but he should know what to expect from me by now!  "Lexy, how could I ever hope that you might care for me?"  His slightly hoarse voice made her shiver. 

"Severus, we've known each other a long time.  You know I wouldn't have bothered saying all that if I didn't care about you."  She put her arms around him and buried her face in his neck.  "And I really wouldn't have told you that I'm aching to kiss you if I didn't mean it."  She tilted her head back and he kissed her very tentatively at first.  Soon they were kissing with all the pent-up emotion they dared let out at one time.  When they broke apart, they were both flushed, but he didn't back away.

"Well, I see Potions isn't your only specialty," she said fanning herself.  He just looked at her and a small smile played at the corners of his mouth. 

"Have you had dinner yet, Miss Lennox?" he asked, squeezing her hand.  Oh, right, food is what I'm thinking about now, Severus!

"Why no, Professor Snape."  Alex clutched her hands together because she noticed they were shaking a little.

"Will you join me?  I can arrange to have dinner delivered," he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Why, yes, thank you."  She wondered what sequence of logic had fired in his brain as he bent down, pulled her to him, and kissed her again.  It was a heart-stopping minute-long kiss that she did not expect. 

"Let me see, what to have for dinner. . .," he said gently easing her back onto her pillow as if kissing her were as ordinary as having dinner.  Just then they looked over at the door.  Neither of them was aware that Harry, Ron, and Hermione had been standing right outside the open door with Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore.  Snape saw them and turned every possible shade of red.  Alex looked at them and said, "I hope Madame Pomfrey has something in her medicine chest to keep me from dying of embarrassment."

The title of this chapter is part of a quote from The Prime Minister, one of my favorite books: "The fire and water of repentance, adequate as they may be for eternity, cannot burn out or wash away the remorse of this life."  The Prime Minister, Chapter LXXIX, by Anthony Trollope, Oxford University Press, 1983.