| No Clue This is the sequel to Taking Sides. There are a couple of original characters in this HP fanfiction, but the rest belong to J.K Rowling. The distribution of this story is for personal use only. Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author Thanks to Christina Teresa, my beta reader. Chapter One: Worshipping at the Altar The dizzying blur of events that had led him here began with a severe bout of morning sickness for Alexandra about five months after the fall of Voldemort. And now ten years and many sleepless nights later, he was still unaccustomed to the sheer irritation a house full of children could cause. Severus Snape jumped out of the chair in his study, struggling to control his temper. In the hallway just outside, two young boys tangled over a toy. "Enough!" he yelled, grabbing the toy away. "You," he said pointing at a boy of about ten who looked back at him with flashing dark eyes just like his, "get to your room!" "And you," he said to the smaller boy with large hazel eyes like his mother's, "go get your mother and bring her here right away. And Colin, do not go near Gareth, do you understand?" "Yes, Father," the young boy said in a small voice as he slid along the wall before reaching the doorway and turning to run for his mother. A few minutes later, Alexandra came into the study looking very tired and still wearing her dressing gown. "Severus, Colin said you needed to see me." "You need to do something with those two. They are impossible today and I have to get some work done." "I'm sorry, darling. It's raining and the poor things are just bored. I can't let them out, but I'll corral them into the playroom. Why don't you put a Soundproofing Spell on the study so you can get a few hours work done before tea. Is there anything I can get you?" she asked and his attitude softened. "No, just a few hours of quiet," he said in a less annoyed tone. Alexandra walked over to him, pulled his face up and leaned down to kiss him. "Is that better?" she asked. "That's your answer to everything, isn't it?" he said with a smile playing on his lips. "How do you think we got the little noisemakers in the first place?" She smiled. "Yes, I guess you're right. I'll come and get you when it's time for tea, then," she turned to walk away, but he grabbed her arm. "Alexandra, you should lie down and rest. I know Lily kept you up again last night. Winky can take care of her this afternoon. Just tell the boys I'll throttle them if they aren't quiet. Is Lily asleep now?" Alexandra's eyes grew wide. "Yes, she's asleep, but you won't do that to them-" "Of course not, but they don't know that for certain. Just go and get some sleep." "Without you?" she said pouting slightly. He just rolled his eyes. "All right, I will, Sev, and I'll come get you later," she said smiling and turning away. He turned back to his parchments after casting the spell on the room. He had been asked to give a series of lectures on Truth Potions to certain Ministry trainees. It was a nice change from the usual grind of grading papers. He had decided to work at home today, rather than walk to the school in the rain. All of this domestic bliss was a bit distracting, though. Be careful what you wish for, he thought with a wry smile. *** "Thanks loads for getting me in trouble," snarled Gareth after their mother left them in the playroom. Colin looked at his brother defiantly. "I got in trouble too, you know," said Colin defensively. "I didn't hear you getting sent to your room, but then you are the little brother," said Gareth with a twinge of the martyr in his voice. Twit! "You take that back, you toad. I am not little. Lily's little, I'm not!" Gareth enjoyed getting his younger brother mad. "Colin, Lily's a baby. You have to admit, you are the youngest boy." "I might be smaller, but I can fly better than you any day and I don't spend all my time locked up with ugly things in jars making nasty potions." Colin stuck his tongue out at Gareth. "That's because Father wouldn't let you into his lab if your life depended on it. You're too stupid. I'm the only one he lets in the lab," Gareth retorted in a superior tone, sticking his tongue out at his brother in return. It was too much for Colin, who dived at Gareth, tackling him. They wrestled around the floor, knocking several toys and books off the shelves. Their mother came in and pulled them apart. Gareth thought she was looking very pale and tired. "Boys, I can't sleep with the two of you making so much noise. I'm exhausted after the night I had with Lily, and I really need to rest. I know it's hard to be quiet and I know you're bored, but there must be something you can do that doesn't involve trying to beat each other up. I want you to pick up this room and find something quiet to do—just for an hour, please." They looked at each other and Gareth could see the guilt in his brother's eyes. "We'll clean up, Mum," said Gareth. Colin nodded and they picked up all the scattered toys and books they had knocked around. "All right, Colin, we have to be good for the rest of the day, even though I know that's impossible for you." "You take that back, you stupid git or I'll hex you." "Hex me? With what, your toy wand? Look, let's make a pact that we won't fight for the rest of the day, at least until Da's cooled off and Mum feels better. Tomorrow, we can go outside and have a proper fight in the mud." Colin looked at his older brother as if he were trying to size him up, then grabbed a book and sat down on the other side of the room. Pact or no pact, the temptation to get into something was too great for Colin, the more reckless of the two. He decided that he would sneak out while Gareth was reading a copy of Magical Drafts and Potions. No one'll see me, and I can have some fun in the rain, Colin thought to himself. He grabbed his broom and went outside, not thinking that he would have to pass right by the windows of the study to get to the open field near the house. No sooner had he mounted his broom for a short ride, than he heard the sound of a window being thrown open and saw his father's angry face. Oh no, I'm done for, he thought. "Colin, what do you think you're doing out there? Get inside right now and go straight to your room. I mean NOW!" Please, oh please, don't meet me at the door, he thought in a mild panic, but he was met by Winky instead. "Young Master, you is got to go to your room and take off those wet clothes. The Master is seeing you in the window. You is bad to go out in the rain. You is getting sick like Lily." "I won't get sick, Winky, it's not that cold out," Colin said to her. "Colin, come here!" He heard his father's booming voice coming from the study. Winky's eyes were wide, and Gareth came down the hall to see what was wrong. They all followed Colin to the study. Colin yelped as his father grabbed his arm and pulled him within inches of his face. "I expect you to stay in your room all afternoon, do you understand? You are fortunate that I am too busy to punish you further, Colin. If you disturb your mother, I guarantee you, you will be sorry. Do you understand?" His father had not yelled, but had used his very frightening soft, deadly voice. "Yes, sir," he said in a small voice. SLAM! All three of them jumped as the study door slammed shut. Severus did not appear at tea or for the boys' dinner later on. He decided to try to complete all his lectures, so he worked the rest of the day and evening in the study. The boys looked hurt to Alexandra. Later that evening, as Alex tucked Colin into bed, Colin asked, "Mum, why is Father always angry at us?" "Now, Colin, that's not fair," she replied in an impatient tone. "You have to admit you gave him plenty of reason to be angry this afternoon, fighting and disturbing him when he was trying to work, and then sneaking out in the rain. What were you thinking?" "I know, I was bad, Mum, but he. . . well, he isn't like you," he said, looking at her with some hurt in his eyes. Alex was not quite in the mood for this. "Colin, the simple truth is that he and I are different. That doesn't make either of us better parents." "Yes, but-" She began to speak more firmly. "And Colin, you can't go outside again without telling one of us, do you understand? It's not a rule I will give in on. If you do it again, you'll lose your broom for a month. Don't think for a minute that your father is the only one who has rules." Colin looked into her eyes. "Okay, Mum. I'll try to be good." He looked a little wounded. Alexandra knew she would have to make it up to him the next day, but tonight she was just too tired of being the peacemaker in the family. "If you want to grow up to be an Auror like you say you do, you'd better get your rest because you'll need it," she replied, hugging her son and kissing him on the forehead. "Good night, dear." "Good night, Mum." Alex looked at her son. I'll just have to let Severus know- as gently as possible because the gods know he couldn't take it without a generous sugar-coating- that he has to reassure them that he loves them once in a while. When Alexandra went into Gareth's room, he was a bit less open about his feelings, but she could tell he had been hurt by Severus' failure to have him assist in the preparation of the lectures. Typically, Gareth was Severus' Potions assistant if he were doing any work at home, and even sometimes at the school. After having been short with Colin, she had to try to control herself with Gareth. No sense in having them both need a counselor. "Mum, do you think Father will need me tomorrow? I told Colin I'd go flying with him in the morning, but if you think he'll want me to help in the lab, we could go later." "I'm not sure, Gareth. I'll ask him to talk to you at breakfast. Now, get your rest, dear. I'm very proud of your self-control with Colin today. I know sometimes you get on each other's nerves. He looks up to you, no matter what he says, you know that, don't you?" "You mean he's jealous of me? I don't know why, but he is." "Gareth, it's a burden to be the oldest. No matter how much we tell the others that they are just as loved as you were, Colin and Lily will always know that there was a time when you were the only one-when you had us to yourself. Colin feels it even more because he's too young to help your father with potions and he's got to wait to go to Hogwarts. He's bound to feel left out because you get to help your father all the time." "Well, I was left out today too, and it was because Colin set Father off." "Gareth," she said a bit impatiently, "of all people, you should be the one who understands him best. After all, you're very much alike. Maybe he just needed to be alone for the day." Gareth lit up at hearing her tell him they were alike, but she sensed that he was still hurt by Severus ignoring him. Alexandra hugged him and kissed him on the forehead. "You'll see, tomorrow will be better. The rain is over and we'll all be in better spirits, if we can get some sleep." "All right, Mum," he smiled at her. "Good night." *** Severus came into their bedroom and found his wife nursing Lily. "Still at it, Mother?" he asked. She looked tired and disheveled, not at all herself. "Not much choice here, unless you can work really sophisticated magic and take over for me." Alexandra's tone was a bit sarcastic, but she smiled. "I'll pass on that one. Do you think she'll sleep better tonight?" "I hope so. Winky and I gave her the Earache Potion and she slept well this afternoon, so I think she'll be fine." "The boys are asleep, then?" "Yes, I do know they tried hard to be good, even if they failed . . . and they were disappointed that they didn't get to see you." "I thought it best to stay locked away and keep working so I could perhaps finish before the week starts again. I admit, I wasn't in the best of moods, especially after Colin's little escapade. Is Gareth upset?" "Only a little. Colin was a little too." "What did you tell them?" "Well, it really shouldn't be me doing the telling, you know. I made certain that Colin knew he'd done the wrong thing and that you had reason to be angry. Gareth was a little anxious because you didn't ask for his help. I just told him that you might have wanted to be alone. Goodness knows, we could all use that." He felt his brow furrow. All this watching out for others' feelings is a bit daunting to say the least, he thought. Alexandra suddenly had tears in her eyes. He sat next to her mutely. "I don't want you to think that I'm interfering in your relationship with them," she began. "You are their father, and you're really important to them now. It's up to you to reassure them. I can't do it all alone. I just can't." Lily was asleep and Alex got up with tears streaming down her face. Severus watched her as she walked to the nursery to put Lily in her crib. He was relieved that she had started using her crib instead of sleeping in the cradle in their room. Alexandra came back in and he immediately started up the conversation again. "I suppose I handled them incorrectly today?" "That's not what I'm saying at all," she said somewhat impatiently. "They were acting up, especially Colin. They need to have some rules. But they do need some indication that you love them, whether they stick to the rules or not. I just can't be the one to sort it out all the time-especially not while I have a sick baby." Alexandra began to run the water as if to take a bath. He decided to leave her alone. She looked as if she hadn't had a bath all day and he wouldn't stand in the way. How can I possibly relax the rules with them at this stage? If we can't control them now, how on earth will we ever be able to control them in the future? And what if they're somehow drawn in the wrong direction. I can't let that happen, not after what I've been through. She must see that. I mean she was an Auror. What better vantage point for looking at the ill effects of a lax upbringing? Still, she has a point . . . . When she came out again, she looked very tired, but more relaxed and more like herself. She climbed into bed. "Alexandra, I want you to know that I really haven't any guide in this but you. I know that's unfair to you, but you know my past. You know that I had very little warm contact with my parents." He looked at her, searching for the words. "If I could be like you always, their lives would be sickeningly idyllic." She smirked. "Don't be so sure about that. I didn't exactly kill myself to be kind to Colin tonight." "You can't expect yourself to be understanding at every moment. But, I daresay, you should be able to expect more from me. Whether I can live up to it or not is another story." Alexandra leaned toward him to give him a kiss. "I know this isn't easy for you. How many times have I said that to myself over the years-and not just because of you, it's not easy for me either. We chose each other and this is what we have to work with, but I do sometimes feel very alone as a parent. I just want you to have the chance to build your relationship with them because they need you and I really need your help. After all, it won't be long before they're gone." Her voice became shaky and he found himself uttering a prayer that Lily would sleep the whole night. She seemed to get hold of herself and continued. "I know you have it in you. You did it for me after my sister's death." She reached up to stroke his hair. It was an odd mix of emotion he felt: annoyance, fear, love, and guilt. "I'll take any vote of confidence I can get at this stage. Right now, though, you need to sleep. You are far too tired to be thinking of this anymore." "All right, then. Good night, Severus." She kissed him again, this time with a bit of passion. Despite her exhaustion, disheveled appearance of late, and the feeling he had that he had just been nagged without knowing it, he was struck not by how much he loved her, but why. The next morning Severus woke up to find Alexandra in bed nursing Lily. I feel as if I'm living in an Italian Renaissance painting sometimes! It appeared Lily had indeed slept through the night. Alexandra looked much better. "Good morning, Severus." "You look much more rested, Alexandra. She's well then?" "Yes, she seems fine now. She hasn't fussed a bit. We've been here for fifteen minutes and she's hardly made a sound." Severus got up and splashed water on his face. It was Sunday, so there was no rush as far as the morning routine was concerned. He came back to bed and sat with Alexandra and Lily. He took Lily briefly for Alexandra. She squirmed a little in his arms and he felt a rush of warmth as she smiled at him. Alexandra came back into the bedroom. "Let me take her to Winky, dear. I'd like to talk to you for a bit." "All right," he said reluctantly letting the baby go. "Are the boys up yet?" "No, it's still early, but we can lock the door just in case. I don't want to be interrupted." Well, now, that sounds serious, he thought. I wonder if I'm in for some more nagging. Alexandra came back to bed and did something he really didn't expect. She threw her arms around him and gave him a very long, passionate kiss. "There, that's just to let you know that everything is fine. I didn't mean to sound so ominous." He raised an eyebrow. "Well, I could use a bit more convincing." "You don't have to ask me twice," she replied and kissed him again. She let out at small sigh and opened her eyes. "You know I love you, don't you?" "Alexandra, what is this all about?" "I just feel like we haven't spent a moment together in ages, and I want you to know that the daily grind doesn't make me love you less." "But-" "You can see right through me, can't you?" He nodded. "But, I sense that something other than my postpartum blues is making you unhappy. Severus, is it that Gareth is about to turn eleven and go to Hogwarts?" "What would that have to do with anything?" he asked, knowing full well that he was just as transparent as she was. "Darling, it's all right if he gets sorted into Slytherin. He'll be fine." "What makes you think he'll be a Slytherin? He might well be a Ravenclaw like your sister was." "Well, there, that certainly makes me feel better!" "You know what I mean. He is very measured and studious." "And ambitious and he worships the ground you walk on and wants to be like you in every way." Severus sighed, "And there is the biggest problem." "Severus, if he is sorted into Slytherin, that does not mean he'll go wrong. History doesn't have to repeat itself. He's had you as a positive influence all his life and so has Colin." "That reminds me. I wonder if Colin will be able to control his impulses well enough to stay on the right side as well." "Colin may be impulsive and reckless, but he's only eight. I mean, he's never shown any signs of interest in anything Dark and neither has Gareth." She looked down before continuing. "Severus, they're afraid of you, afraid of the way you've been with them lately. I'm a little concerned that this fear might drive a wedge between you and the boys. Then, I might believe that it's possible for them to turn toward something dark and dangerous. You only told me a few things about your childhood, but I gathered when we were young that there was something keeping you from having an honest relationship with your father." "Ah, your gift for understatement is incredible. My going wrong may have been due in part to the coldness of my parents and their own Dark influence, but I made my own choices and have no one to blame but myself." He sat for a moment, his jaw rigid and then turned to her. "Alexandra, you aren't telling me that you think I should talk to Gareth about my past?" He looked at her feeling a pain in his chest. "Yes, actually, I think honesty is always best. How can you expect him to see that you really have his best interests at heart if you don't tell him why you're so worried? And believe me, the boys know we're both far from perfect-" "Oh, and you think this won't completely shatter his illusions about me?" "Darling, I think no matter what, it's better to hear it from you than from me or someone who doesn't understand you. Isn't that what Albus told you before he died?" "The man is still prodding me from the grave," said Severus in an exasperated tone. "Just how do you propose that I drop this bomb on my child? Gareth, Father has something to tell you. When he was young and foolish, he got in with the wrong crowd and became one of Voldemort's followers. He turned his back on a young girl who loved him and did unspeakably evil things. Then, he came to his senses and stopped." "Yes, darling, that's the whole point of it: that you stopped; that you came back and helped Dumbledore; that you were brave and saved perhaps as many people as you hurt. Certainly by the time Voldemort's evil essence was captured, you had done a lot to redeem yourself." Alexandra gave him a very penetrating look. Severus got up and walked over to the fireplace. "You've no idea what it's like. I take that back, you do, but you haven't the baggage I have. These books that write about the fall of Voldemort paint me as some sort of brooding hero. It's all complete rubbish. All I want-all I ever wanted after Voldemort was defeated the first time, was to live with my burden in peace. I can safely say that since Harry's arrival at Hogwarts, I haven't had a moment's peace. How long has that been, about fifteen years?" He looked back at her. "And now, I have to be the one who somehow makes my child understand the past without hating me." "Only if you want him to understand it completely, and take the right lessons from it." She got up and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him to her. "Chew on it for a bit. We have time before he starts school. Come back to bed now and let me tell you all about the rest of yesterday that you missed." He climbed back into bed somewhat reluctantly. He had that feeling again that he used to have when Dumbledore would gently direct his life. "What happened that is so important that we must discuss it now?" "Only something that will amuse you to no end. I got an owl from Sirius. It seems that Anna is pregnant and he's as perplexed as can be by her condition. Here, read the note, I saved it for you." Alexandra reached over to her night table and picked up a parchment. Severus read the note from Sirius and snorted. "He's an absolute child. I can't believe that poor woman puts up with him, but then she is just a child herself. It looks like he doesn't know what to do with himself now that she's not worshipping at the altar like she did the first eight years of their marriage. I wonder how she'll feel when she suddenly realizes that she has two children." "I told you that you would enjoy his note," she said with a twinkle in her large eyes. "But I wonder if you miss me worshipping at the altar." She kissed him, running her fingers through his hair and pulling him closer. "I would be lying if I said I didn't, but I'm not a selfish clod. Still, we could all use a bit of worship now and then, I suppose." "No time like the present," she said, kissing him again. |